Over on ColoConnect's blog there is a post called "Not a Turkey". Reading the comments, I came upon Donuts Are My Life's remarks. She told a story that does make ya wanna shake you head. It's about guys who start out to deep fry a turkey and end up burning down the house. The way she told it, it IS funny... what is it about dark humor? Someone once told me ALL humor is dark... think about it... Anyway, her story reminded me of an e-mail forward, which all of you may have already seen at some point in your net life. But it IS about a GUY thing... I think....d'ya think?
>Dear Friends,
>
>My wife Brenda is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
>be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
>have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
>A few weeks ago, I spied something at the local Pistol and Pawn that
>tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
>tickled). I bought something really cool for Brenda. The occasion will
>be our 35th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
>for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
>pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not
>familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two
>metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
>high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
>
>The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
>affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
>safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. "Tattooed
>Assailant", push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. (If you've
>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
>out--way too cool!)
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
>and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
>electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
>looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
>electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for
>your information, but I have yet to explain to Brenda what that burn
>spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-AAA batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my love-seat, my dog Butch looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Butch) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Butch for a fraction of a
>second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet puppy, after all.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to Brenda to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong? ...Was I wrong to think that? .... Seemed
>reasonable to me at the time.
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
>little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" "No
>Friggin' way"--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Butch looking on with his head cocked
>to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
>burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
>rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
>
>I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! AaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
>in through the front door, picked me up out of that couch, then body
>slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
>
>
>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
>fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
>tucked under my body in the oddest position. Butch was standing over me
>making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
>thinking to him self, "do it again, do it again!"
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>thigh (like yours truly.) ... SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so
>later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I
>collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
>landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How
>did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were
>still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as
>my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
>'em back.
>
>In advance just let me say that I am really sorry for offending anyone.
( btw: My son-in-law ACTUALLY DID THIS!) heh ~~~Light Opera~~~
